So my mom gave me daddy issues…or maybe my dad gave me mommy issues. Regardless I have problems with both of them. I am a child of divorce and conceived to keep a marriage together. When I was conceived, my mom tells me how my dad was not living with her at the time. She is thankful that I came out of a not that great situation, but still, that kinda sucks. My parents divorced when I was four years old, but their marriage was ending years before me. In fact, maybe the marriage ended when it started.
First, comes marriage then Kids and maybe love
My mom and dad got married about 30 years ago. It was a marriage that honestly shouldn’t have happened. My mom says how she saw all the signs of the awful person; my dad was in the early stages of their relationship. Yet she was in love and stayed with him anyways. My dad, well, I think he thought my mom was the woman he deserved and wanted. My mom was neither. She was better than him and deserved better. They married, moved to Houston to start their life together. My sister was born, then I was! Like I said, my parents were not living together at the time, and my dad was not at my birth. (What a dick move right) So yeah, now that you have the back story, let us go into why I am writing this blog.
I am going to break this down into two parts, one where I talk to/about my dad and the other where I speak to/about my mom. I am writing this very personal blog because it is something I have wanted to write about for a long time. And I hope it can help my relationship with my parents and maybe other people too. (Whoever is reading this) And this will be a long post. So…
TO Father, I know the secrets, yet I still love you.
I have known from a young age about why my parents divorced. I knew the dirty secrets and saw them with my own eyes. Dad, you are a huge asshole. I love you, though. But know I try so hard not to let my emotions get the best of me because what you did to my mother and to me is just awful. You lied to my mom, you disrespected her so much, you also didn’t do right by me.
When I was younger, you always had a different girlfriend or wife. That messed my views on love honestly because, for some reason, I was closest to you. I am daddy’s little girl. And it is cause we are so alike! Both funny, vain, narcissistic, aggressive, difficult people, and that is why we both like each other. It is also why I am the only one who will play your games. It is also why mom doesn’t like me at times. I got a lot from you. A lot of my traits are the parts mom doesn’t like about you.
My dad likes me cause I am nice and sweet to him. We both stroke each other’s egos. We both are in love with being loved. Plus, my dad can give me things. He buys my love, which is messed up, but that’s life. He wasn’t the parent, in a sense. He didn’t give me rules or punish me. He gave me what I wanted. That’s why I am a brat. There were times when I saw his true self. I remember one time he yelled at my aunt because they were fighting about how my dad left me with her while he went on a date. I know the story of how you hit your own dad, my grandpa. I know how mean and heartless you can be. I can be just as mean and cruel. That is why we get along. He was not the best role model to have, especially since they say you “date someone like your father.”
I knew how bad my dad was, but sorry mom, I do not want it to affect my relationship with him. I want to know him and have him in my life. Of course, I enjoyed hanging out with him. He never said no to what I asked for. But he was a dick to me too, like when I asked him to help me pay for school, and he only gave me half of what he promised to provide. I love you, dad, but please try to be more helpful.
TO Mother, I love you with all my heart; why don’t you see that.
I am not the best at showing love to my family, as you can see. I have never been a touchy-feely person. My mom would say how, as a kid, I didn’t care for her. I would not cry for her like my sister, Clare, did. I wasn’t attached to her hip like Clare was. So mom know I love you just as much, but we will never have the relationship you have with Clare. We are so much alike. We are both emotionally, sensitive, passive-aggressive people. And that’s why we don’t get along. Funny how you think if you are like someone, you will get along great, but really, it depends on how alike you are.
I am sorry I don’t “love you” as much as you love me. I know how much you do for me. I am so thankful for it all and how you made Clare and me your world, but mom, it’s time to maybe get a life. Not to be mean but Clare is getting married, I am leaving college soon. It might be time to see what is next. I am forever in debt to all you did for me, but also mom you were mean to me just like dad. It hurts me so much when you say I don’t love you. It hurts when you talk shit about dad but want me to get money from him. Mom, you are still in love with him. You can’t hate someone so much without still loving them. Mom, you always say how everyone is a bully to you, but you are a bully too. It hurts Clare and me so much when you are sad, but it should not be our job to make you happy.
I will love you more than dad. That is cause I know how much you do for me, but since you do much for me, it’s why I “hate” you. Mom, you are the real parent. You raised me to be the person I am today. You deal with how difficult I am. Thank you so much, but you need to meet me halfway and change a little too in our relationship. We are too alike, and I want to have a relationship with you. But understand me, and I will appreciate you.
SO what was the point?
Being in a family is hard as hell. And being in a messed up family is even harder. So I guess I wrote this to vent? But also cause I think one thing everyone should get out of your family is love and realizing how much you have to change at times to make sure you have healthy relationships with other people, which include your family. Even if they are family and they have no choice but to love, make it a little easier on them.
Parents, though, realize you have to change a little too. It is not fair to have your kids be the ones who have to change to make you happy, meet them halfway. We all are messed up. We all have daddy/mommy issues.
Kids love your parents even if they are awful people, or you think they are so annoying because they are the only ones who will love you no matter what you do. No matter how much you mess up, they will be there.
SO yeah, that was long AF, and this is a hot mess of a post, but there it is. I hope whoever is reading this gets something out of. And mom, dad, I love y’all both so much, and thank you so much.